numbness attack my future

i felt numb.

once i entered the room and met her.
i felt nervous all the way. I'm totally scared.
i told her everything. what happened. when it happened. how? what i feel. everything.
not waiting for me to end up my story; she told me the result.

that's it.
numb. nervous. confuse.
i don't know what i should do.
i feel like crying but i couldn't. i could feel darkness ahead. covering all the light on my hallway.
I'm scared. I'm losing control on myself. what if it getting worst than i ever imagined it?

"penyesalan menimpa diri"
if only i confront her long time ago; then all this could have been avoided.
i look at her; getting her sympathetic. she said; it will be better soon, hopefully it is just a minor one.
but she doesn't look confident to me, thus; she asked me to seek for others perspective.

so, there i was; in a bigger room with a higher position.
and yes; it's worst.
not worst worst but worst enough to me; to make me getting my insomnia back.

i couldn't imagine the future now; the outcome for this minor problem.
which a minor and enlarge to a major one; if one doesn't take it seriously.
omg, what has overcome me? why in sudden?
is this some sort of punishment? i feel like crying my heart out but i couldn't.

day by day; I've been getting good news and bad news at the same direction.
is this some sort of a petanda?
i need straight to face all this..
i'm scared to go.
i'm scared to wait.
i want to run away if there is a way out for me.

this whole result; it is a nightmare for me. :(

i have been erased.

it's windy outside.
synonym to how i am feeling inside.

after reading the statement that just been posted.
i know where i stand in the list.
i know that i am no longer that important; no longer the best friend title i used to get.
why everything is so broken apart?
where is the bond that we have created years ago?

i miss it; the bond between us.
but now, it's gone; which i just realized.
not to say i just realized, i have been feeling that way; it just that i refuse to accept the fact theat they truly erased me from their's..

did i do anything wrong till they been so kejam to erased me like that?
if i do; please tell me the truth.
what have i done till you ignore me this way?
what is the wrongdoings that made you so far away?
i miss you. yes. i do.

i am sad. i am depressed. the wind and lightning outside is how i am feeling inside.
i wish everything is just back to normal. but it just a dream.

i wish.
i have you back like how you used to want me.
i miss u.

happily ever after. ;)

how days past us by so quickly without we notice it.
tick-tock-tick-tock.
the clock is ticking with its own rhythm.
as days goes by, we become older.
as days past us by, so many memories we have created.

again, my family shall be creating a new memory for the family tree.
my brother's wedding is just around the corner.
he and his fiancee shall be united with a bond that will never separate them both. insyaALLAH.

i am so looking forward for this weekend; which is on the 21st november 2009.
my brother and his future wife; kak yatee shall be married in the evening.
how well they shall be. i am going to miss my brother.
he will have a new wife which means, i will lose my place to manja2. ahaks. nama pun anak bongsu kan. ..

i pray for his happiness to last till the end.
i pray for their wedding to cherish till their kids and grandchild.
i pray for everything to goes like how we have planned.
i pray everything is just fine.
please. let them be.

happily ever after.

mind your own business

suddenly, people starts to say things that bothers me much.

it's not that i dun appreciate their thoughts but no thanks. i dun need it.
lebih2 lagi when tetibe showing their caring attitudes towards me.
dulu tak pernah plak nak amik berat cmni. then, tetibe say stuff and said that they know me in how and how.. assuming that they know me very deeply inside but do take note. you don't know me at all.

do i share my problems with you? do you ever ask me how am i feeling these days? how is my studies? how is my life? then, why in sudden you appear and say stuff regarding my life based on a single picture? and started to say, that they care for me? bull-shit!

" a picture doesn't judge how a person is "
so, please don't simply put your judgement and apply them into my life.
it is so disturbing.

suddenly, you care?
suddenly you claim that you know the real me?
hello. i'm no goody girl anymore okey.
i'm not a 15 years old girl you have know long ago.
simply because you know me doesn't mean that you know me. know me like dat.
like you know what is my favourtite?
do you know my favourite artists? my favourite kind of musics?
my favourite place to lepak?

don't ever think that i am like you. pretending to be good.
don't put me in ur shoes. like i am like you,.
don't and never do.

i hate ot when sudden;y people claim that they love me. that's why they give this stupid advices and all. why didn't you put your role like that before? nape baru skrg tetibe amik berat? urghh... sebelum ni lepas tangan kat i cm i am no one to you. NEVER ask me anything. now? tetibe bertukar jadi sangat penyayang. sangat ambil berat? omg. you make me wanna vomit in your hands.

i hate it when people judge me simply for my pictures, for my past and for other people's perception.
get to know me by heart. get to know me because of it and then, you can put your judgement.

omg. i'm so pissed off.
i'm sorry to put this in this kind of way to express my feelings.
but this is how i do. i writes. and here. written all over this post.

so, back off. mind your own business.
don't suddenly appear and said that you care.
you don't know me at all.

harapan baru

sigh~

adoi..nilah kerja aku seharian..mengeluh saje. bile tidak diberi cuti, inginkan cuti..pabila diberi cuti yg panjang, inginkn kerja plak,.. pastu dah dpt kerja, malas plak nak buat.. aduhai.. inilah kerenah manusia zaman sekarang. kini, aku merasekan masa berlalu dengan pantas. alangkah bagusnye sekiranya aku diberikan keajaiban untuk memberhentikan masa yg ada sekarang ni dan kembali kepada masa yg lalu. agar sumenye kembali berputar balik..dan aku boleh mengharungi cuti semster yg panjang ini sekali lagi. hehe. tapi aku sedar. kite hidup di dunia yg nyata, kite perlu membuka mata dengan luas. dunia realiti. kte perlu menempuh segalanya dengan tabah.

esok.
bakal menjelang semster yg baru. dunia baru. hembusan baru. warna baru.
aku harap kali ni semester ini akan ku tempuh dengan kegembiraan. aku harap kesemua kedukaan itu dibuang ke tepi kerna aku tak sanggup nak menempuh kesedihan yg terlampau itu lagi. boleh kan? aku juga harap semster baru ini memberiku hidup yg baru untuk aku terokai. dunia yg kosong untuk aku warnai dengan warna-warna yg ceria dan terang. untuk aku kongsi bersama org yg tersayang dan rakan-rakan yg setia disampingku. aku harap aku juga diberi semangat yg baru untuk aku bawa ke hulur ke hilir dan menempuh subjek-subjek yang aku tau semakin hari semakin susah. aku berdoa akan diberikan kesenangan dalam setiap perkara yg aku bakal tempuh.

dengan ini..
aku ucapkan selamat tinggal kepada kedukaan yg lalu.
menutup buku semester yg lalu dan membuka buku baru.
meminta maaf diatas kesilapan aku yg lalu. let the past be the past.
dan berterima kasih diatas kegembiraan yg mewarnai jiwaku.

aku bersyukur~

back to normal

it is 1.00 o'clock in the morning of Friday.

honestly, i felt so damn tired and sleepy but i couldn't resist from stopping myself surfing the internet even though there is none of my friends that goes online.. but i just couldn't sleep yet. for me, it is still early. am i suffering from insomnia? i hope not. ridiculous laa.. ha-ha.

things happened for something else.
and something happened today. words. pleasure. confusion. regret?
i hope not for that last one. i want this to happen but do i need this right now?
i have no clue. can i survive in this kind of situation? can i live along the natural life till the end of the days with no ends?

i do not plan anymore before it sux.
i put less hope now because i do not want to get hurt for the second round.
but i still dreams though. to have a bright future and a happy ending.

but i'm tired to go against the nature of my life.
i'm tired to go against the rule that i have created.
i'm tired and i need a rest.

a turning point should be great.
but not regret. i'm grateful instead.
i dream for a happiness. a long-lasting one please. and i dream it to happen in a way of who i am. the way that my parents brought me up to this colourful world. i want to be that girl again. witha smile on her face. =)

bahasa melayu bahasa kita =) (tagged by liyana)

Sila jawab soalan-soalan ini dalam Bahasa Melayu sahaja.

1. Bekas kekasih saya adalah
:: seseorang yang saya PERNAH sayang.

2. Saya sedang mendengar
:: alunan lagu dari game "Restaurant City" kat Facebook.

3. Mungkin saya patut
:: tidur

4. Saya suka
:: makan benda-benda yang manis dan menggembirakan. =)

5.Sahabat-sahabat baik saya
:: sentiasa ada di samping saya tiapkali suka dan duka.

6.Saya tak paham
:: kenapa saya perlu berasa gelisah

7.Saya kehilangan
:: ketenangan yang menenangkan jiwa saya yang kacau.

8.Ramai yang berkata
:: saya tidak melihat dengan mata hati.

9.Makna nama saya
:: "cahaya gadis" = Nuranisa

10.Cinta itu adalah
:: sesuatu yang sungguh istimewa dan tidak dapat di umpamakan dengan apa-apa pun.

11.Di suatu tempat, seseorang sedang
:: merindui saya =)

12.Saya akan cuba
:: untuk bersikap adil dalam semua perkara

13. Ayat SELAMANYA membawa maksud
:: tiada garis penamat yang dapat memberhentikannya.

14.Telefon bimbit saya
:: ada di depan mata.

15. Bila saya terjaga dari tidur
:: saya akan mengeliat terdahulu. =P

16. Saya paling meluat apabila
:: seseorang itu menidakkan apa yang dia rase dan berlagak egoistik.

17. Pesta/Parti adalah
:: tempat untuk saya berhibur.

18. Haiwan yang paling comel yang saya pernah temui ialah
:: anak kucing saya yang telah tiada.

19. Peringkat umur yang paling menyeronokkan bagi saya ialah
:: masa kanak-kanak; di mana saya sentiasa mendapat perhatian.

20. Hari ini
:: hari yang memenatkan tapi sangat menggembirakan hati =)

21. Malam ini saya akan
:: bermimpi dengan indah =D

22. Esok pula saya akan
:: memenatkan diri saya lagi.

23. Saya betul-betul inginkan
:: keajaiban yang dapat memberikan kebahagiaan dalam hidup saya.

24. Ketika anda lihat wajah anda di hadapan cermin pagi ini
:: mengapa muka tu seperti kehilangan sinar yang menggembirakan?

25. Pusat membeli-belah atau arked permainan
:: adalah tempat yang menjadi perhatian semua orang.

26. Makanan Barat atau Jepun
:: semestinya kedua-duanya.

27. Bilik yang terang atau gelap
:: itu bergantung kepada aktiviti yang ingin dilakukan... *wink*

28. Makanan segera adalah
:: makanan yang tidak berkhasiat tapi nafsu makan saya tetap nak yang itu. hehe

29. Ayat terakhir yang anda katakan pada seseorang
:: selamat malam sayang. =)

30. Siapa yang anda mahu Tag?
:: sesiapa yang rajin dan bosan yang sedang membaca post saya nie. =) selamat menaip!